Tales from the Table - Nosey Neighbours

After she split up with her partner she bought a house in a small village and due to being a single parent she set up a clinic at home so she could get the best work life balance and spend quality time with her young child. This meant she tended to work mornings and evenings.

Not long after she had moved in there was a knock at the door. It was a chilly autumnal evening, her child was in bed and she had been working hard learning her lines for the upcoming production of Jack and the Beanstalk and wearing a long blonde wig as she prepped for her part. 

She answered the door and standing there was an elderly couple who introduced themselves as the neighbours from across the road. Realising she was still in the wig she snatched it off and threw it on a chair and invited them in for coffee. 

They sat chatting for about an hour. They explained they were part of the local church group and she explained about her recent split, her move to the village and why she was wearing the wig. Everything seemed fine but after this meeting things started to change.... 

She noticed that every time she had a client arrive the curtains across the road would twitch. This led her to nickname the neighbours as Mr and Mrs Twitcher.  She also noticed that she started getting odd looks from other people in the village when she was taking her child to school or going to the local shop. 

Now her father the Osteopath was referring clients to her for soft tissue work and her brother had been referring his teammates from the local Rugby club for treatments and they were so impressed she became the clubs unofficial physio. So the physiotherapist was seeing a large number of gentlemen clients. 

Fast forward to April the next year ...

The pantomime had gone off without a hitch and the physiotherapist was now preparing for her next role in a play called 'Not now Darling'. This play is set in a shop and involves a number of women running around in fur coats.

She was upstairs in the bedroom in a fur coat learning her lines for this play when out of the window she noticed a man sitting in a car who seemed to be watching the house. Understandably this made her feel very uncomfortable so she phoned her brother who was coming over for a treatment later that day and asked him to come earlier.

He came over and she explained about the man in the car and he went out to have a look, but as he approached the car drove off.

A few days later she noticed the car again on her way back from picking up her child from school. That evening she had another couple of clients from the Rugby club and as the last one left the car was still there. So again she phoned her brother and he sped over. As he approached the car it drove off again so he stayed with her that night just to be on the safe side.

As you can imagine this was upsetting and after talking about it they decided the best course of action was to call the police if it happened again.

Later that week after treating another male client she noticed the car again with a lone occupant so she dialed 999 and called the police. Then called her brother. 

The police arrived within a few minutes. 

She opened the door and there was a male and female police officer, they came in and she explained about the man in the car. 

The male police officer went outside and the female stayed with her as she was quite frightened by all of this and having a child asleep upstairs. 

After a few minutes the male police officer returned to the house with the man from the car. This made her really scared as he had brought back the man who was “stalking” her.  

The uniformed police officer then introduced the man. This is a detective sergeant who works in our local C I D vice team and would like to ask you a few questions.

The detective sergeant started with all of the usual stuff: name, age, date of birth etc. 

The detective sergeant then said “ we have had reports that you have a large number of male callers at strange times of the day to this address and with having a child in the house it may not be the best environment for them”

Shocked, she replied "what are you saying?"

The detective sergeant replied "I am just asking about the number of male “visitors” you receive."

Now have you ever had one of those moments when the words come out of your mouth and you wish you could just grab them out of the air! What happened next is one of those!

The physiotherapist replied  "I don’t have visitors, I have clients." The detective sergeant exclaimed "Pardon?" 

At this point the penny dropped. 

She turned to the detective sergeant and asked “can I ask what you think it is I am doing here?” 

The detective sergeant replied “ Madam I was going to ask you the same question, you have been seen with a large number of males entering the property and you dressing up in various costumes” 

This was when the physiotherapist's devilish sense of humour kicked in. 

“Why don’t I take you through to the back room and I can show you? In fact if we all go it will be more fun”  this got some very quizzical looks. She stood up and they all followed her through to the back room. She opened the door and took them into a very professional looking clinic room. 

She explained to them her profession and that she worked as a physiotherapist for the local Rugby club and about being a member of a drama group hence the costumes. 

When they returned to the lounge her brother recognised the female police officer as the mother of one of the young players he helps to coach at the club. 

With everything cleared up the atmosphere became a lot more relaxed.

However the story doesn't quite end there. 

Mr and Mrs Twitcher still live over the road and may still think she is running a house of ill repute as when ever she treats one of the players it has become a running joke for them to stand at the gate and blow her a kiss and then give the thumbs up to Mr and Mrs Twitcher. 

She also gained a new client a few months later, the detective sergeant phoned her with pain in his calf and foot. She treated him and yes you have guessed it he had plantar fasciitis POLICEMAN'S HEEL! 

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Tales from the Table is written by Andrew Stevenson - Sports and Holistic Massage and Reflexology Practitioner (Husband, Dad, Granddad, Chief cook and Bottle Washer) 

I started my working life as an Engineer in the armed forces and I have spent many years participating in a wide range of sports at high levels both locally, nationally and internationally. My body was always in good condition and everyone called me “Peter Pan” as I was always up for a new challenge. However as my age increased so did the injuries, the severity and the recovery times. It was recommended by a friend that I try reflexology and massage to be honest I was very sceptical to point where I said “if jabbing things in your feet makes you better I will just walk around outside on the gravel with no shoes on and save myself a few quid”

My life changed in my 30’s when I had a particularly bad back injury and was given a choice to give up playing sport (Football as a goalkeeper) or give up walking. Having two young children at the time I can still remember my wife’s words "I can’t push the children around in the pushchair and you in a wheelchair so no more football"

At that point I thought my life was over and the world was going to end.

So I tried both reflexology and going for a massage. The older one amongst us will remember the old advert at Christmas for Remington shavers. “I was so impressed I bought the company”. I found the benefits astonishing not only to my physical wellbeing but also my mental wellbeing so in 2005 I qualified as a reflexologist and massage therapist through the AoR (Association of Reflexologists) and started my journey of helping others, working with clients, local sports teams and professional athletes.  

Since qualifying as a therapist I have become a qualified football coach, manager, and club “physio” only retiring from the game in 2020. I have driven rally cars, played cricket and still play golf and compete at both field and target archery. My experiences have taught me first hand to always remember the body is just like any other piece of machinery - if it is not properly maintained then it will fail!

You can follow Andrew on Twitter here!